Thanks to Amanda for sharing this on the forums.

1. Tell them before you have sex with them, but wait until you're
sure you like them enough to want to have sex
with them. After all, what's the point of telling someone right off
the bat, before you're sure if the relationship is
going to go anywhere? (Warning: do NOT wait until you are in bed
and/or fooling around to disclose: emotions and passions run high and
people are not thinking clearly enough at this time to make an
educated, rational decision. Remember, herpes is not a "bedtime
story"!)

2. Tell them in a place where you have some privacy (i.e., your home,
their home, or a park). A parked car is OK,
but do not tell them while you or they are driving! Some people
suggest that you tell at your partner's place because they will feel
the most comfortable there. However, Dr. Hirsch suggests you tell at
your place rather than theirs, because that way they can get up and
leave if they feel uncomfortable and need time to be alone and think.

3. STAY CALM! If you get hysterical and start crying, they will pick
up on your fear and it will have a negative effect on their perception of the virus.

4. Ask them if they've ever been tested for STDs, HIV, etc., or if
they've ever had an STD. That will get THEM talking about it first, and will give you some insight on their STD background and attitude. You could also try bringing it up in the context of a "safe sex" talk. Ask them how they feel about safe sex, do they use condoms, etc. Tell them that safe sex is very important to you, because once you were "unlucky" and got an STD.

6. If possible, have some pamphlets or printed information on herpes
to give them, so they can read it over later. ASHA has some excellent pamphlets called "Telling your partner about herpes" and "When your partner has herpes." (go to www.ashastd.org for pamphlet ordering info.)

7. After you tell them you have herpes, ask them "what do you know
about it?" Again, it will get them talking and will take the pressure off of you. It will also help you understand what THEY know, so you know how much information you need to give them. (Odds are, even if they don't have it, they may have a friend who has it and may know something about it.)

8. Ask them if they have any questions about it, and try to answer
whatever questions they have as calmly and as honestly as you can. If they ask you something you don't know, tell them you don't know, but that the two of you can research it together. Recommend some websites they can look at when you're not around.

10. Don't panic if they don't take the news well at first! Some
people need time to think about something like this. Some people might accept it right away, some might need time to think. Some might panic and reject you at first, but they may change their mind in a day or two (or a week or two)...you never know.

Tell Your Partner About Genital Warts

The Sex Talk
By Jane Harrison-Hohner, RN, RNP

I contracted genital warts in 1988 and have had normal Pap smears for
10 years. What are the chances of transmitting the virus to my
partner with condoms, without condoms, or through oral sex?

I wish there were clear statistics to share with you.

Upwards of 2/3 of sexually active adults test positive for human
papilloma virus (HPV) -- the cause of genital warts -- even if they
have no symptoms. So women have to work out the choices you mentioned on a case-by-case basis. Studies done with the herpes virus show that women are much more likely to contract the virus from an infected male than the other way around -- same as HIV.

Scientists have identified more than 60 types of HPV. Some types of
the virus cause common skin warts. About one-third of the HPV types
are spread through sexual contact and live only in genital tissue.
Low-risk types of HPV cause genital warts, the most recognizable sign
of genital HPV infection. Other high-risk types of HPV cause cervical
cancer and other genital cancers.

Since you have not had persisting or worsening Pap smears, we can
assume that you have a low-risk type of HPV. Let's also assume that
you will continue to harbor the virus lifelong, but your immune
system keeps it in check.

Condoms will offer him some protection, but they don't cover the
entire genital area. Condoms will also protect you from other
sexually transmitted diseases that can be much worse than HPV and
could even kill you.

Oral sex -- on you, I assume -- is not usually linked with a man
getting HPV of the oral cavity, throat, etc. A few studies have
linked HPV with oral cancers, but there is no proof the virus got
there through oral sex.

What I suggest is a frank conversation with prospective partners that
you had HPV 10 years ago with no recurrences. You should tell him
that, unless he is a virgin, there is a strong possibility that he
has already been exposed to HPV.

Reviewed by Charlotte E. Grayson, MD, March 18, 2002.
Article found on Web MD.

**Please be responsible. Spread the word and nothing else.**